Blurbwriting for idiots

Disclaimer: by “blurb” I mean anything in the “description” field of a book on Goodreads.

1) Don’t tell me things I can and will judge for myself. Don’t waste my time with highly unreliable information.

This beautifully-written thriller will grip you from its very first page.

A stunning, new novel by master storyteller Philip Reeve.

In a powerful narrative of exceptional fascination, Brodeck's Report explores the very limits of humanity*.

*To infinity and beyond! Ha-ha, ha… sorry, back to business.

2) Don’t be pretentiously dramatic and vague.

Only the ultimate sacrifice will give this love an ending.

she'll find the Undying King--and answer his secrets with her own...

If the Twelve are to fall, one of those united to vanquish them will have to pay the ultimate price.

These are the first three examples I found. Looking at 1 and 3, I should probably add: “Don’t be cliche”?
Also, 1 I just do not get. You wanna sacrifice smth to END your love??? Fuck. New tip: “Be sensible”.

3) Get to the point, don’t waste space (I’ll read all your flowery shit in the book).

Everyone said the Graces were witches.
They moved through the corridors like sleek fish, ripples in their wake. Stares followed their backs and their hair.
They had friends, but they were just distractions. They were waiting for someone different.
All I had to do was show them that person was me.
Like everyone else in her town, River is obsessed with the Graces, attracted by their glamour and apparent ability to weave magic. But are they really what they seem? And are they more dangerous than they let on?

Ok, so basically you could have just said “One day I decided to befriend a family of witches” and been done with it.
Also, WUT is with that fish simile? Are fish known to move through corridors? What ripples can you make in the air? Are not all fish sleek? Why not say “It seemed like they glided rather than walked, radiating/giving off an aura of [a cool and appropriate word]”? And why would ppl stare at their hair? Blurb, you’re being fucking vague again.

4) Make the blurb monolingual. Yeah, one GR member went all avant-garde and started us off with a paragraph in german, then continued in english. And thus, the title of this post is officially justified.

5) Proofread the blurb. Or don’t, because this is comedy gold:

he will rule the world with knowledge raped from the dead.